The last few weeks have been rough. Since losing my father everything I do takes on new meaning. I turned to my spouse at one point and said, “Just a head’s up, I feel like I’m probably going to have a couple of rough days this holiday season.” This is the first holiday with both parents gone…and while I’ve done pretty good for the most part, it has been rough at times, but mostly I’m just ‘meh’.
I’ve not really advanced on my diet. I’ve stayed on track and not gained, but there’s definitely been times of indulgence. I feel like it could have been worse…we spent the week of Thanksgiving on a cruise in the Caribbean. I did work-out on the boat a few times and tried to offset the sweets, but you’ve also got to enjoy your vacation right?
I’ve also probably done some emotional eating at times. I’ve admitted to myself that I’ve been an emotional eater throughout my life and that realization has helped me a lot to recognize it and avoid it, but it still happens at times. I feel like with everything I’ve dealt with in 2018 that perhaps I can have a couple of ‘passes’. Not to mention these last few weeks I’ve been hurt by some people, a neighbor’s tree fell in our yard, and I’m still figuring out my next career move.
In the midst of all this I’ve really tried to celebrate the holiday and focus on the ‘true meaning of Christmas’ as much as possible. We’ve been to Christmas concerts & musicals, put up our trees & decorations, hosted a holiday cocktail party, went to a neighborhood tree lighting, and this weekend we’re headed to DC and will soak up all the Christmas spirit we can.
As we approach these last few days of Christmas I am ‘meh’, but I’m also just extremely reflective. My mantra on this website is ‘Get Focused & Stay Motivated’ because I’ve learned over the years (perhaps from the emotional eating) that a huge part of any diet or fitness plan is being in the right mental space. And I am trying so hard right now to get in the right mental space, to get focused, and to stay motivated…not only on my fitness, but so I can genuinely experience and be touched by the joy of Christmas.
I want that.
I need that.
Someone in my church community recently asked the question, “What’s saving you right now?”. I wrote it down. I wanted to be sure to be able to come back to it. It really made me think, but I’m still not sure I have the answer yet. It might be my spouse. This year has made us both stronger, but through everything he’s been a rock of support that makes me feel like the luckiest person alive. It might be my parents. Funny enough, reflecting on their lives has made me see strengths and support from them that I didn’t recognize so easily before. It might just be this hope to be touched by Christmas…or maybe just ‘hope’ itself…maybe for brighter days that are coming after this season of death I’ve been in.
I am ‘meh’, but I’m also optimistic that this will pass. And I’m extremely hopeful…hopeful for a fresh perspective and a new me…fit and living the life I’m intended to live to the fullest.